i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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