Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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