Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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