Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
