I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I intend to get homeless drunk
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
