im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize