Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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