guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize