does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
