My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
