That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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