Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize