THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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