walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
