So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
