There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
