I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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