i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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