this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
