She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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