I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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