I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
