If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
