I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
