i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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