i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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