Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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