I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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