Can i not drive my cunt home
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
