Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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