When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
