he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize