Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Shame - the story of my life.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
