Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
