They should really pass out barf bags in church
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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