if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize