So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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