Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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