I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
