she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
