I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
