Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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