The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
MIDGETS
????
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
