if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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