I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
