I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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