I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
