The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i think i have two assholes
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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