Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
