i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
