You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
