jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
