News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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