your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
