I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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