Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
