porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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