i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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