I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
