Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
