my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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