I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
