You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
