I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
