well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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